She lay there, in the darkness of her room. She had left the verandah door open to a view of the two swaying Asoka trees inching into the night sky. She watched the rains pour in copious sheets and paid attention to the clichéd pitter patter. The trees swaying rhythmically. One of them hit by the heavenly neon glow from the street lamp post and the other, dancing in an angelic white tube light lit illuminati. In the silence of her room, she wished peace and quiet would appear. She never thought of silence as golden. It was just a deceptive twin of peace and quiet to her… and then thoughts of him crossed her mind again.
This happened for the millionth time n the last four months. The queasiest in her 22 years of existence. He’d left her and gone. Left her in a lurch, without any prior notice. Her wall had crumbled the one that stood between her and her insecurities. Since that day, exactly 4 months ago, she went looking for peace everywhere. In the silence of her locked room, or at the pond as she sat by its edge and watched the raindrops create soft ripples in it or as she jogged against the direction of the wind while listening to the blues. Water to her was therapeutic. It soothed her anger, calmed her nerves, balmed her pain and suppressed her hysterics how could he be so selfish and do this to her? How could fate do this to her? He meant the world to her and now her world had crashing down…reminiscence of their college days set in. how the madness reigned over every other feeling. Even over their impulsiveness. Now he was gone all she had were memories of craziness, of dancing all night at a smoky night club on a sultry night, then driving full speed to a cliff to watch the sunrise and still make it back on time for the 9.00 am lecture. Memories of zipping in and out of class, breezing in and out of the library before an examination, his pet cat Pierre, sharing notes, home cooked food, a tear, a wish, laughter, hope…. And several things that came with the innocence of late teenage years. She smiled at the thought of him…he was her best friend, her “platonic best friend’’ she’d say proudly with her arms around him in a sisterly embrace. She thought of the last time she pecked him on the cheek. The last time before he breathed his last…
… it was the night he went out on his motorcycle and collided head on into a truck. The night she pecked him for the last time on his cheek as he lay battling for his life.she didn’t leave his side for a minute. Her tear streaked face in an obvious state of shock. Then he died at 3.45 am in the morning. Just like that, he stopped breathing. She froze in the cold silence that enveloped her.too stunned to weep, to speak or move. The funeral rites, the wailing mourners. The grief-stricken parents and family. Her face a stone cold. She did not weep, not a tear, not one in the last 4 months.
A sudden loud noise from the kitchen broke into her thoughts. She pottered slowly towards the kitchen. The stray cat had sneaked in again and dropped an earthen pot that now lay shattered on the floor. She scooped the cat into arms and cradled him. “Pierre’’ she whispered to him as she christened him and burst out into tears. She bawled and howled for hours. When her sobs where subdued to whimpers, she told herself to accept it and move on.she bent down to tidy the shattered remanants of the pot.she had to pick up the pieces and move on…
Monday, September 15, 2008
A woolgathering wanderer
A blazing twilight
Didn’t seem too real.
On a spaced out night
That’s how I feel
A violet aurora
That broke my heart
The end seems closer
Now that we’d depart
A woolgathering wanderer
That’s what I am
Constancy is all a sham
I’d sit in the field and tug at a root
Or fly off to some sandy beach
Watch the crackling wood let out soot
Or listen to the son of a man who used to preach.
A woolgathering wanderer that’s what I am
The hazy sun would be alright
Or the melting clouds, a breathtaking sight
For this wanderer for this woolgatherer
Didn’t seem too real.
On a spaced out night
That’s how I feel
A violet aurora
That broke my heart
The end seems closer
Now that we’d depart
A woolgathering wanderer
That’s what I am
Constancy is all a sham
I’d sit in the field and tug at a root
Or fly off to some sandy beach
Watch the crackling wood let out soot
Or listen to the son of a man who used to preach.
A woolgathering wanderer that’s what I am
The hazy sun would be alright
Or the melting clouds, a breathtaking sight
For this wanderer for this woolgatherer
Saturday, August 30, 2008
title?cant think of one..but this is dedicated to a few friends..yall know which para is for each of u!
kimya Dawson, please put a swing beat tune to this n sing it for me!
Ok here goes...
Old monk replaced my frooti
Thanks to nicotine my kitchen is sooty
As kids we just ran on grass
Cried about every bruise that bled
Now you think of grass and you think ''ill smoke it instead''
Think of all the smoked up grass, the next day you might wake up dead
I looked into your eyes
My stomach did a double flip
When i realized it was a lie
Blamed it on the cosmic slip
Waited for an hour and sat by the phone
Figured now the magic died
You didn't call even though you were alone
I sat up all night and cried
The sky was black and the clock said 2
Woke up and pigged on peaches n cream
Was still feeling very blue
Drifted to a sleepless dream
I think of you and 'the accident'
You acted like you didn't care
my inbox was empty only msgs were sent
Somehow this didn't seem too fair.
But i have more than 1 a Friend
Who’d spruce my life up with a song
A shoulder to cry n hand to hold they'd lend
As for you...'' OK then...so long''
Now no bruise bothers you
Even though you are all of 22
You drift to sleep feeling blue.
Look at everything nothing new, nothing new.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Drizzle drizzle…mend mend !!!
A puncture of the pregnant clouds, and it poured all over the sea-side city to mark the conclusion of an untamed summer
The monsoons came and washed the roads I’d tread, clean of all dirt and dust. In an outburst of shards of glass, it pierced my heart and let it bleed a painless pain…a cold shudder the midnight azure sky brought down with it, mingling with the smell of the neem tree and tea leaves boiling in a kettle on the fire.
I watched the lone canoe bounce itself against the lashing sea waves off Carter road. In this moment of solitude I could easily connect to that piece of rotting inanimate piece of wood. I could connect to its lonesomeness, to its sense of being surrounded by silence yet look for peace, to its trying not to be toppled by every nudging wave, to its sense of motion & movement and yet being stationery,of being thrust upwards and downwards at the same time, of aimlessness and a million other feelings gushing like the rain.
I closed my eyes and let my heart beat in rhythm with the trinkets of raindrops and sea waves. I opened my eyes and enveloped myself with the fresh green of the leaves, the midnight blue of the sky, the grey of the sea and all colors cooler and soothing.
"Go put your records on …tell me your favorite song’’ whispered Corrine Bailey Rae in my ears, "sipping tea on a bar by the roadside" she went on. I smiled, feeling a lot calmer, in this rare moment and fathomed it while it lasted. I pulled my stole closer to me and set out aimlessly…yet again.
The monsoons came and washed the roads I’d tread, clean of all dirt and dust. In an outburst of shards of glass, it pierced my heart and let it bleed a painless pain…a cold shudder the midnight azure sky brought down with it, mingling with the smell of the neem tree and tea leaves boiling in a kettle on the fire.
I watched the lone canoe bounce itself against the lashing sea waves off Carter road. In this moment of solitude I could easily connect to that piece of rotting inanimate piece of wood. I could connect to its lonesomeness, to its sense of being surrounded by silence yet look for peace, to its trying not to be toppled by every nudging wave, to its sense of motion & movement and yet being stationery,of being thrust upwards and downwards at the same time, of aimlessness and a million other feelings gushing like the rain.
I closed my eyes and let my heart beat in rhythm with the trinkets of raindrops and sea waves. I opened my eyes and enveloped myself with the fresh green of the leaves, the midnight blue of the sky, the grey of the sea and all colors cooler and soothing.
"Go put your records on …tell me your favorite song’’ whispered Corrine Bailey Rae in my ears, "sipping tea on a bar by the roadside" she went on. I smiled, feeling a lot calmer, in this rare moment and fathomed it while it lasted. I pulled my stole closer to me and set out aimlessly…yet again.
9-5ers the end!!!! day 30
'summer'izing
a namesake for a new friend,instant pound parties,wild-ness,sunset by azad maidan,photo session with namesake at azad maidan,rugby match spectators at azad maidan,rahul bose at azad maidan,7.04 thane fast when sober,8.30 ambaranath wen not,cute irani guy at stadium,several hours of gossiping,another few of giggling,high on chocolate,friendly chocolaitaire aunty and uncle,sugarless tea in milk powder,cadbury house peddar road,clouds gathrered on the skyline,drive along marine drive,IPL hooligans,high on life[when not pmsing],high on feminism[while pmsing],cutlet gravy at stadium cafe,chinese from ike's,chana jor garam from chanawala,weight gain,brisque walk,evening at sassaanian, stalking cute guy from sassanian to vt,getting stalked by creepy man from churchgate to vt[what goes around comes around situation],mad conversations with namesake,cut copy patse,ctrl c ctrl x ctrl v,more mad conversations with namesake,dubba hogging sessions on the train with namesake,high on chocolate and chemistry,210 degrees,enter scene:fellow feminist friend[tabitha]apple pie,walnut brownie,more chemistry,high on laughter,more bitching sessions with the namesake,some male bashing sessions too[wink wink],8.40 morning local,enter ayesha at kurla,exit: ayesha at dadar[sob sob] reminescence:frikking frolicking college days,all men are bastards,all men are bastards,ALL men are bastards,rugby players are eye candy...
top gun moment of the month?
none!!
soundtrack for the month?
thoughts of abhi-tears in heaven
generally-throw your arms around me-hunters n collectors/dont marry her fuck me
anger at the world-im a bitch/iris
tired of everything around me-vienna/more billy joel/freddy fender
introspective-blowing in the wind
feel jaded-jaded
jog around pond-joker n the thief/2 min t midnight/RHCP
sit at pond and watch joggers/sunrise/fish in pond-lot of jack johnson/norah jones
lonesome-city of angels
chemistry-kentucky women/you'll be woman soon/follow me/dispatch
otherwise-how can i tell her about you-los lobos
top gun moment[der was none tho]-all of joe sat solos
a namesake for a new friend,instant pound parties,wild-ness,sunset by azad maidan,photo session with namesake at azad maidan,rugby match spectators at azad maidan,rahul bose at azad maidan,7.04 thane fast when sober,8.30 ambaranath wen not,cute irani guy at stadium,several hours of gossiping,another few of giggling,high on chocolate,friendly chocolaitaire aunty and uncle,sugarless tea in milk powder,cadbury house peddar road,clouds gathrered on the skyline,drive along marine drive,IPL hooligans,high on life[when not pmsing],high on feminism[while pmsing],cutlet gravy at stadium cafe,chinese from ike's,chana jor garam from chanawala,weight gain,brisque walk,evening at sassaanian, stalking cute guy from sassanian to vt,getting stalked by creepy man from churchgate to vt[what goes around comes around situation],mad conversations with namesake,cut copy patse,ctrl c ctrl x ctrl v,more mad conversations with namesake,dubba hogging sessions on the train with namesake,high on chocolate and chemistry,210 degrees,enter scene:fellow feminist friend[tabitha]apple pie,walnut brownie,more chemistry,high on laughter,more bitching sessions with the namesake,some male bashing sessions too[wink wink],8.40 morning local,enter ayesha at kurla,exit: ayesha at dadar[sob sob] reminescence:frikking frolicking college days,all men are bastards,all men are bastards,ALL men are bastards,rugby players are eye candy...
top gun moment of the month?
none!!
soundtrack for the month?
thoughts of abhi-tears in heaven
generally-throw your arms around me-hunters n collectors/dont marry her fuck me
anger at the world-im a bitch/iris
tired of everything around me-vienna/more billy joel/freddy fender
introspective-blowing in the wind
feel jaded-jaded
jog around pond-joker n the thief/2 min t midnight/RHCP
sit at pond and watch joggers/sunrise/fish in pond-lot of jack johnson/norah jones
lonesome-city of angels
chemistry-kentucky women/you'll be woman soon/follow me/dispatch
otherwise-how can i tell her about you-los lobos
top gun moment[der was none tho]-all of joe sat solos
9-5ers[contd...] day 15 !!!
A namesake for my sake
They stepped out to sniff the summery wind five minutes after moment of realization spelt monotony to them. A little thawing for the frosty brains would help.
One had them frosted from staring at the luminosity of a LCD screen and the other, from writer’s crimp and staring at the luminosity of the LCD screen.
A drop of heavenly manna in the form of whiskey or rum wouldn’t harm they decided. They threw their heads back in staccato bursts of laughter and exchanged high five’s.
To get the drop of alcohol the tongues that hung out deserved, they hurriedly stepped into the shop tucked in the back of this obscure building…. Friendly banter with old parsi uncle…more friendly banter with parsi uncle. They leched at their peace of solace lying in heaps in a red plastic tray.
Five minutes later they strutted out, their gait a slight sashaying
Namesake:let’s mix drinks
Me: lets not
Namesake:Lets
Me: [smiles] okay
They ‘cheered’ to the namesake, toasting to another and squinting at the harsh sun. In the gluttonous moment that possessed them, they bit into half the ball of liquor chocolate in their hand & died and went to heaven .When they came back they traded whiskey for rum with each other, died and went back to heaven.
Me: only if the visitor-at-high-post-at-big-firm sitting inside the office watched us 2 docile people, orgasm in broad daylight over liquor chocolate…
Namesake: he’d have a cardiac arrest/
They winked and giggled and went back to work after waving at friendly uncle from the chocolataire.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
9-5ers------------sui generis
day 1
join the bandwagon:
a ten minute walk from V.T to churchgate accross azad maidan a 7 minute smoke...a 1000 other 9-5ers..marching to auschwitz are we??
i went to my first ever corporate meeting.clad in formal clothes[not to forget the discomfort it causes] and marching up to the plush office armed with notepad and pen,i promised myself to pay attention unlike in a classroom,not go to sleep.
but i should've known what fate had in store for me.Miss I-know-it-all rambled like she got paid per word she uttered and stuttered about everything she ever knew, and me,instead of listening to her,indulged in an another activity..watching
what i watched at my first ever corporate meeting:
join the bandwagon:
a ten minute walk from V.T to churchgate accross azad maidan a 7 minute smoke...a 1000 other 9-5ers..marching to auschwitz are we??
i went to my first ever corporate meeting.clad in formal clothes[not to forget the discomfort it causes] and marching up to the plush office armed with notepad and pen,i promised myself to pay attention unlike in a classroom,not go to sleep.
but i should've known what fate had in store for me.Miss I-know-it-all rambled like she got paid per word she uttered and stuttered about everything she ever knew, and me,instead of listening to her,indulged in an another activity..watching
what i watched at my first ever corporate meeting:
- how MNC's blow trivial things way out of proportion
- how they air condition their offices and upholster couches to match their walls and have coffee vending machine for their creative staff.
- how the so-called-managers not manage to find anything sent to them,mails,posts,etc
- how they gesticulate and ramble on like the leaning tower of Pisa may crash if they don't
- how watching the setting sun reflect from their glass paned windows sounds a 100 fold interesting as compared to the nonsensical puking of phrases an d idioms straight out of 'how to make friends in 45 days'.
- the bottleneck traffic seems like an escape!
[thank god for jack johnson and a profound acrobatic ability every mumabikar evolves to master-hanging out of the train]
Sunday, April 27, 2008
WISHED MY FATE...
part 1: the luminous monolouges
She stood there,watching her reflection with a hint of curiosity, her Brown eyes had an intense luminosity in it.her bronzed skin perfect around her cheek bones and pink full mouth...her hair tied in a knot up on her head.
she was luminous.she was fire itself
the wooden walls and floor of the attic room seemed to grow smaller with each passing day.the lone yellow bulb igniting a yellow glow around the peeling walls.....
absent minded her hands roving around her belly, her stomach deliberately arched forward,she tried to pass compassion to her unborn child...
Kira azar closed her eyes and mouth slowly what she believed in since she was a child
careful what you wish for
for wishes come true
careful what you wish for,
for me and for you
as a child she always saw her self fit perfectly in a white picket fence dream...a doting husband,two children a pet dog and afternoons filled with knitting baking and television.
but as she grew up she conveniently forgot all about it and got carrier oriented.she scaled upward in college with straight A's.but somewhere in her subconscious she still cherished her dream..he childhood wish.
but now here she was, with an unborn child [courtesy: a drunken night fling which she NEVER indulged in before], a ruined carrier that couldn't take a nine month pause,a to-be-single-lonesome-unemployed-mother.she was still calm...still not surrendered to this twist of fate...not given up on her white picket fence dream...
She was wondering now if the baby was picking up her thoughts and would they affect the baby's psyche and screw the bastard up.how easily she had mouthed the word bastard, when she was at her uncouth-sailor-mouthed best..and how that would hold true for her unborn child now on.she wondered about herself as a foetus in her mother's womb...what thoughts did she have then?was her fate decided when she was her foetus.
she wondered what sex the baby was going to be?what would she name it? her name meant fire ...kira...was the sun in persian..azar..her father...9th month in the irani calendar meant fire...a boy would be Kenneth...born of fire...a girl would be Fiamma...oh how trivial and petty she was being...what difference it made..a bastardized child has no name other than that.
she remembered the father vaguely...she wanted to look for him,go a-hunting.she knew they were of a different race..he was caucasian with icy blue eyes...over 6 feet tall.but her mind alternated debated and drove her mad in an attempt to save her child from the societal bastardization...a hundred thoughts swam in her brain,a hundred apprehensions..she felt dizzy morning sickness came an overwhelming way.thats when she heard a thudding soft knock on the door...
part 2: a twist of fate
dizzy she walked towards the door opened...a wave of shock came over her and she collapsed in the arms of the stranger...
when she woke...she looked at him...flashes from the drunken night coming back...she was at the bar...the handomest young man she had seen...airy was his aura...blue were his eyes...they matched those of the stranger in whose arms she now lay...and afer an eternally forver minute of gaping at him in amusement they exchanged words..not from a drunken high mouth...but y twist of fate... from 2 people who were going to have a baby...
he told her that night was an unforgettable one for him...he looked for her evrywhere for the last two months..and he wanted to find her so bad..to spend the rest of his life with her...
she told him about the baby...he was more than thrilled..he made love to her so gently that she would've set the room on fire and he would have fanned it,let it glow,let it burn brightly in his love...
she finally asked him what was thinking when they first met... and he said ''here is one woman who cannot compensate for a million others..i wish i could be tied to her eternally..a bond be made that is unbreakable...
a smile played on her face...she looked in to his eyes and said
careful what you wish for
for wishes come true
careful what you wish for,
for me and for you....
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Reminiscence of long time back,an eon and a half ago...
[found this on a (s)crap of paper..from around a year back.so that means post T.Y.you can imagine no?hehe]
Adrenaline diaries
22.30: 2nd april 2007
A strange day a strange night
To start your diaries
I lay there satisfied, staring at the horizon that was blocked by a four storeyed apartment block, my mind oblivious to the vortices that were coming to fetch me
I can foresee the storm, but choose to numb myself to it
I settle down with a college-mess-style-breakfast for dinner today
Toasted cheese garlic peppered bread with piping hot coffee…piping? No, scalding!
That is how I like mine.
Well, not very favorable for somehow who puts on weight by merely looking at food, but anyways exceptions can be made I guess on days like these...
like today, a classic example of a climax, in a satisfied sense
I probably would have jumped off the train or shot myself today
Not to kill myself…but to pump up some adrenaline into my defunct grey cells
The wind so tempting, beckons you
Adrenaline wanted desperately
I wake to the sound of music my eyelids a level tired, my body in lumps.
But the day ends with a grin, outcome not cared for please note.
A compound of inaudible happy memories sets in to conclude this non-'pms'y day.hehe
16:50 3rd april 2007
Talking, it helps but doesn’t give satisfaction, just the mandatory I-updated-my-world
My world …my friends, my family, some acquaintances on the brink of friendship, some friends on inertia of denial, some depressed some happy some content..where am i?? where am i??
A couple of days later…
11.30 am
Hmmnn adrenaline encountered again…but today it was anger…at the society, at my world, for living according to my fancies
It rushed and gushed in the form of whining and complaints, dejections resurfacing, not affecting any one but me
Fast forward by a month or so….11.40 am
I really hoped a month ago satisfaction would set in…but to no avail
Fate… very surreptitiously takes away what you deserve...all I asked was mere satisfaction
Or maybe in a positive light this was awakening to reality…to a not-a cakewalk-thou -life –is kind of reality
09:20 some more days later
End of an era
It’s strange how your life can change overnight…with the blink of an eye the party is gone…migrated to a better place…all you can see instead of the festivities and the lights is the silent deserts and the mournful setting sun that is inherent in a situation like this…
Your paths may never cross again, ever; with the people you shared a laugh with, a silent prayer or anxiety for 5 wholesome years…all is gone with the blink of an eye
These probably were the best days of my life. My past I do not care about…my future very strangely looks bleak now…some of them triumphant some did not, for some like me defeat was inevitable thing to happen.
It probably is me and me alone now…I can fantasize about mountaineering trips id love to take to the Himalayas, or go sailing across the Atlantic maybe backpacking across Europe[throw your head back and laugh], Europe the correct amount of wilderness and the wild…or I could land with a thud into reality and wake to nothing but incessant nonchalant gaping sessions and long lonely walks by the highway, watching the trucks and trailers speed away, not waiting to make a difference in my life… like a lot of other people one would wait for an eternity.
The storm has passed its aftermath yet to come… hoping that this is a passing phase that will pass quicker than it should …
a continuum between holidays,wastedness and the summer of 2007
10.40 pm
Sloth is a tricky word they say…it could possibly describe a walk around a lake lit by the setting sun and surrounded by woods; it could be lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling perspiring on a lazy summer afternoon or gorge on roasted chicken and wonder when will you start losing weight. Whew!!!!
14:10, still deeper into the wasted period
Everyday, from the time we wake to the time our head hits the pillow; it is filled with questions… some whose answers are known and yet you are too terrified to admit to it… some have been there for an eternity, some spell inscrutability of the future, some ambiguity of the past. There are hardly days were one has a clear happy head devoid of all hurt deception and rituals…
18:10, a retrospect :
As I sat and watched the sky from faraway on a cement parapet sipping gingered tea, I watched silly little kids trying hard to play!! In little dresses in pink and blue with stilletos to match, they were flaunting to each other their music cds and a new computer game installed on their computer or a new smutty step they learned at dance class today!!!
I sat there and watched them for 15 whole minutes without missing a single piece of their conversations too 17 year oldish to handle for 7 years old brains.
And those made me pity them and laugh at their parents who brought them into this premature world
I thought of my childhood memories…there was nothing in there but innocence, happiness carefree untamed wild escapades…with children ignorant about age, sex, caste, wealth…there were days when we would run wild in the fields with a wheeled fan, eat candy floss, roadside ice-cream, chase dragonflies, tie up roman the mad dog, climb guava trees and a million other insane things,
I want those days, those overalls-and-wild curly bronzed hair days [where insanity was not what it meant] back!!!!!
**************** end of wastedness..post graduation begins..or so i thought..***************
Adrenaline diaries
22.30: 2nd april 2007
A strange day a strange night
To start your diaries
I lay there satisfied, staring at the horizon that was blocked by a four storeyed apartment block, my mind oblivious to the vortices that were coming to fetch me
I can foresee the storm, but choose to numb myself to it
I settle down with a college-mess-style-breakfast for dinner today
Toasted cheese garlic peppered bread with piping hot coffee…piping? No, scalding!
That is how I like mine.
Well, not very favorable for somehow who puts on weight by merely looking at food, but anyways exceptions can be made I guess on days like these...
like today, a classic example of a climax, in a satisfied sense
I probably would have jumped off the train or shot myself today
Not to kill myself…but to pump up some adrenaline into my defunct grey cells
The wind so tempting, beckons you
Adrenaline wanted desperately
I wake to the sound of music my eyelids a level tired, my body in lumps.
But the day ends with a grin, outcome not cared for please note.
A compound of inaudible happy memories sets in to conclude this non-'pms'y day.hehe
16:50 3rd april 2007
Talking, it helps but doesn’t give satisfaction, just the mandatory I-updated-my-world
My world …my friends, my family, some acquaintances on the brink of friendship, some friends on inertia of denial, some depressed some happy some content..where am i?? where am i??
A couple of days later…
11.30 am
Hmmnn adrenaline encountered again…but today it was anger…at the society, at my world, for living according to my fancies
It rushed and gushed in the form of whining and complaints, dejections resurfacing, not affecting any one but me
Fast forward by a month or so….11.40 am
I really hoped a month ago satisfaction would set in…but to no avail
Fate… very surreptitiously takes away what you deserve...all I asked was mere satisfaction
Or maybe in a positive light this was awakening to reality…to a not-a cakewalk-thou -life –is kind of reality
09:20 some more days later
End of an era
It’s strange how your life can change overnight…with the blink of an eye the party is gone…migrated to a better place…all you can see instead of the festivities and the lights is the silent deserts and the mournful setting sun that is inherent in a situation like this…
Your paths may never cross again, ever; with the people you shared a laugh with, a silent prayer or anxiety for 5 wholesome years…all is gone with the blink of an eye
These probably were the best days of my life. My past I do not care about…my future very strangely looks bleak now…some of them triumphant some did not, for some like me defeat was inevitable thing to happen.
It probably is me and me alone now…I can fantasize about mountaineering trips id love to take to the Himalayas, or go sailing across the Atlantic maybe backpacking across Europe[throw your head back and laugh], Europe the correct amount of wilderness and the wild…or I could land with a thud into reality and wake to nothing but incessant nonchalant gaping sessions and long lonely walks by the highway, watching the trucks and trailers speed away, not waiting to make a difference in my life… like a lot of other people one would wait for an eternity.
The storm has passed its aftermath yet to come… hoping that this is a passing phase that will pass quicker than it should …
a continuum between holidays,wastedness and the summer of 2007
10.40 pm
Sloth is a tricky word they say…it could possibly describe a walk around a lake lit by the setting sun and surrounded by woods; it could be lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling perspiring on a lazy summer afternoon or gorge on roasted chicken and wonder when will you start losing weight. Whew!!!!
14:10, still deeper into the wasted period
Everyday, from the time we wake to the time our head hits the pillow; it is filled with questions… some whose answers are known and yet you are too terrified to admit to it… some have been there for an eternity, some spell inscrutability of the future, some ambiguity of the past. There are hardly days were one has a clear happy head devoid of all hurt deception and rituals…
18:10, a retrospect :
As I sat and watched the sky from faraway on a cement parapet sipping gingered tea, I watched silly little kids trying hard to play!! In little dresses in pink and blue with stilletos to match, they were flaunting to each other their music cds and a new computer game installed on their computer or a new smutty step they learned at dance class today!!!
I sat there and watched them for 15 whole minutes without missing a single piece of their conversations too 17 year oldish to handle for 7 years old brains.
And those made me pity them and laugh at their parents who brought them into this premature world
I thought of my childhood memories…there was nothing in there but innocence, happiness carefree untamed wild escapades…with children ignorant about age, sex, caste, wealth…there were days when we would run wild in the fields with a wheeled fan, eat candy floss, roadside ice-cream, chase dragonflies, tie up roman the mad dog, climb guava trees and a million other insane things,
I want those days, those overalls-and-wild curly bronzed hair days [where insanity was not what it meant] back!!!!!
**************** end of wastedness..post graduation begins..or so i thought..***************
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
MY HEAD N ME
23 days n 23 hours later i saw the going of my moody blues
1 word reverberating in my head-holiday!!
i'll carry my wallet, my gloves, and my trekking shoes
i'll fly with you to wherever you say
i'll come and watch the beckoning grey sea
i'll sink my toes in the grainy soft sand
i'll let the breeze caress and waft past me
i'll watch the crimsoned horizon from the edge of the land.
i'll hike with you to a snow-capped mountain
& not care about the lack of electricity
you and me, we'll dine under a luminous lantern
& forget all about modernization and life in the city
i'll travel the world or just its half
roam the streets of Spain, Luxembourg and Italy[!!!!]
be drunk on happiness,chatter and like children laugh
& not care of being childish or silly
ill come with you to wherever you say
from the cliff to the sea we'll plummet
ill come with you on a holiday
we'll watch angel voiced street performers with his flute and clarinet
ill come with you to wherever you say
ill come with you on a holiday
ill come with you to wherever you say
ill come with you on a holiday
1 word reverberating in my head-holiday!!
i'll carry my wallet, my gloves, and my trekking shoes
i'll fly with you to wherever you say
i'll come and watch the beckoning grey sea
i'll sink my toes in the grainy soft sand
i'll let the breeze caress and waft past me
i'll watch the crimsoned horizon from the edge of the land.
i'll hike with you to a snow-capped mountain
& not care about the lack of electricity
you and me, we'll dine under a luminous lantern
& forget all about modernization and life in the city
i'll travel the world or just its half
roam the streets of Spain, Luxembourg and Italy[!!!!]
be drunk on happiness,chatter and like children laugh
& not care of being childish or silly
ill come with you to wherever you say
from the cliff to the sea we'll plummet
ill come with you on a holiday
we'll watch angel voiced street performers with his flute and clarinet
ill come with you to wherever you say
ill come with you on a holiday
ill come with you to wherever you say
ill come with you on a holiday
Monday, April 14, 2008
STOLEN GLANCES FROM THE FORBIDDEN'S JOURNAL...
I could just slit my wrist
and watch myself die.
flashes of memories both good and bad would summarize my life in a gist
and in the little time left i could wonder who will miss me and cry.
Or i could just down some poison
and ascend from all perdition.
I'd let iciness creep in and let my face ashen
and end this journey of damnation.
i could glance out at the stream from a speeding train
its beckoning waters reflecting the electrified evening blue sky
jumping off would be a short burst of adrenaline and forever the end of my pain
there would be no more to cry and no more to lie.
another solution could be the cold metal .45,
a click, a last breath, and on the walls a splatter of brain
with the angel of death I'll have my last jive
no more eccentricities,childishness and worries to be slain.
Ironically, the lack of bravery for a cowardly act like this
which in it's mysteriousness promises bliss,
has stopped me from turning to the slit, the gulp, the click or the jump
helpless now sets in choking my tears and leaving in my throat a fist-sized lump.
i hear voices in my head saying its the hormones or the legendary PMS
honestly, i couldn't care less... i couldn't care less...
Sunday, April 6, 2008
THE RAINY REDEMPTION
from my little window
it pilfered all the sunlight
power and authority it tried to show
driving me to bend to its might
the prison with one window I'd once loved to call home
but now like a penniless vagabond i wish to roam.
so i ran out bare feet with all the vigour
my last attempt to break free
trying to wipe out memories of disdain and its trigger
my last attempt to be me
so i ran till i was short of breath
dirt and grime clung to my sweaty face
looking up at the grey sky,I looked for the angel of death
if he'll behold me in his sweet embrace
but all i saw was a flash of light
and quickly following the flash it descended
the sky now an orange tint of the night
just for me it came, or so it pretended
blinding sheets of silvered rain!
and i absorbed every drop of it
as i stood still drenched in my pain.
i watched it as it hung to the tip of my nose
it spiralled down my hair and clung to my body so close
with arms wide open i looked heavenward
grateful for the watery blizzard
it did flow through my body like balm and morphine
that i needed in all these years,counting to a nineteen
i was drained n spent and spent and drained
for I'd been standing all along as it rained
and then i fell to my knees
i sobbed i wept and i cried
to whom i don't know, but i prayed begging please
till all my tears were spent and my eyes felt dry
finally i stood up and walked towards my now windowless prison
were id spent and will be spending the other summer and winter seasons
reminiscing about those heaven sent sheets of silver rain
that had blend with my sweat and tears and left me drained
maybe it already reached the city sewer through the gutters
but every night a thank you to it my lips will stutter!
it pilfered all the sunlight
power and authority it tried to show
driving me to bend to its might
the prison with one window I'd once loved to call home
but now like a penniless vagabond i wish to roam.
so i ran out bare feet with all the vigour
my last attempt to break free
trying to wipe out memories of disdain and its trigger
my last attempt to be me
so i ran till i was short of breath
dirt and grime clung to my sweaty face
looking up at the grey sky,I looked for the angel of death
if he'll behold me in his sweet embrace
but all i saw was a flash of light
and quickly following the flash it descended
the sky now an orange tint of the night
just for me it came, or so it pretended
blinding sheets of silvered rain!
and i absorbed every drop of it
as i stood still drenched in my pain.
i watched it as it hung to the tip of my nose
it spiralled down my hair and clung to my body so close
with arms wide open i looked heavenward
grateful for the watery blizzard
it did flow through my body like balm and morphine
that i needed in all these years,counting to a nineteen
i was drained n spent and spent and drained
for I'd been standing all along as it rained
and then i fell to my knees
i sobbed i wept and i cried
to whom i don't know, but i prayed begging please
till all my tears were spent and my eyes felt dry
finally i stood up and walked towards my now windowless prison
were id spent and will be spending the other summer and winter seasons
reminiscing about those heaven sent sheets of silver rain
that had blend with my sweat and tears and left me drained
maybe it already reached the city sewer through the gutters
but every night a thank you to it my lips will stutter!
Friday, April 4, 2008
The Wonder Years
A hundred thoughts a hundred reasons
A hundred shots a hundred seasons
we've fallen into murky pits
and crawled through yards of shit
and emerged winners
and also some dopers, smokers and sinners
A hundred trophies a hundred regrets
A hundred coffees and a hundred cigarattes
A hundred shots a hundred seasons
we've fallen into murky pits
and crawled through yards of shit
and emerged winners
and also some dopers, smokers and sinners
A hundred trophies a hundred regrets
A hundred coffees and a hundred cigarattes
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
[Un] incandescent
The headlights a bright flash
The vehicle a rickety ol ‘ tramp
It was 4 in the morning
I was alone with no guiding lamp
“I’ve still got sand in my shoes” dido crooned
The ol rickety tramp down the hills she tried to speed
Annoyance and repugnance largely loomed
Back then ‘childishness’ I did not need
You forced certainty in my uncertain world
But its 4 in the morning now it’s too late
I just put out a board on my property ‘Already sold’
The headlights a bright flash
The vehicle a rickety ol ‘ tramp
It was 4 in the morning
I was alone with no guiding lamp
The vehicle a rickety ol ‘ tramp
It was 4 in the morning
I was alone with no guiding lamp
“I’ve still got sand in my shoes” dido crooned
The ol rickety tramp down the hills she tried to speed
Annoyance and repugnance largely loomed
Back then ‘childishness’ I did not need
You forced certainty in my uncertain world
But its 4 in the morning now it’s too late
I just put out a board on my property ‘Already sold’
The headlights a bright flash
The vehicle a rickety ol ‘ tramp
It was 4 in the morning
I was alone with no guiding lamp
Anaesthetized
sleeping and staring at the ceiling
having this uneasy feeling
what would the future behold
your soul to the pawnbroker you sold
look out of the window gaze at the sky
reach out to the passerby
with arms outstretched bare your mortal soul
moment of realisation hits you
tells you you are all alone
the passerby was just a gust of wind shifting shapes beneath his hood
his lantern flickering he wouldn't have understood
you're pain your gain are yours alone
then you know nothing can be done,all has to be borne
so you go back to sleeping and staring at the ceiling
and the uneasy feeling wont bother you that evening...
Succour-ed!!
ochre light luminous
the bench by the bougainvillea
workout rigmarole so strenuous
the white lit homeward alley
the rippling sun kissed pond
a settee with a view of this
friends made with such strong bonds
who you are sure you're going to miss
when i think of what life gave to me
these i know bring me solace succour and peace!
the bench by the bougainvillea
workout rigmarole so strenuous
the white lit homeward alley
the rippling sun kissed pond
a settee with a view of this
friends made with such strong bonds
who you are sure you're going to miss
when i think of what life gave to me
these i know bring me solace succour and peace!
Wanted: freedom from strife!!
In the wispy morning mist
Or the match clutched in my fist
In the donut so sugary
Or the coffee a tad bit watery
I peer and rake to find it…
Restless peace
In the angry sea wave that lashes
Or the muddy grass patches
I stare and search to stumble on it…
Restless peace
In the literature I loose myself in
Or a bar of chocolate that’s nothing but pure sin
I grope blindfolded and reach out for…
Restless peace
In the little things that amuse me
Dreams, fantasies or memories
Or the banter of my five-year-old niece
Where do I find thee oh restless peace?
Or the match clutched in my fist
In the donut so sugary
Or the coffee a tad bit watery
I peer and rake to find it…
Restless peace
In the angry sea wave that lashes
Or the muddy grass patches
I stare and search to stumble on it…
Restless peace
In the literature I loose myself in
Or a bar of chocolate that’s nothing but pure sin
I grope blindfolded and reach out for…
Restless peace
In the little things that amuse me
Dreams, fantasies or memories
Or the banter of my five-year-old niece
Where do I find thee oh restless peace?
Sunday, March 9, 2008
A predicament no more
around a chrome lit round table they sat
those six supposed friends
three ordered water and the other three latte
& each wondered about another one of them if they were the right blend
no doubt they were there for each other when needed
when the harsh world in all its niceness receeded.
they put up with each others insecurities and eccentricity
but also bore the dagger of their venomous words filled with toxicity
four years later a day came for the birds to leave their nests
out into the world they ventured to find their best.
so they moved out to other cities and they said ''life goes on''
but guess, of all their achievements, what they missed the most
when they reached their lonely apartment tired and drawn
yes apparently it was those wonderful college days
filled with lunches, movies and plays
of gossip feminism the marine drive and sleppovers
or crooning everything from 'the beatles' to 'crimson and clover'
hopefully years later they will all meet again
on a gloomy sunday complete with the wind and rain
they will definetly have one less thing to wonder about
if the six of them, those supposed friends
were the right blend
those six supposed friends
three ordered water and the other three latte
& each wondered about another one of them if they were the right blend
no doubt they were there for each other when needed
when the harsh world in all its niceness receeded.
they put up with each others insecurities and eccentricity
but also bore the dagger of their venomous words filled with toxicity
four years later a day came for the birds to leave their nests
out into the world they ventured to find their best.
so they moved out to other cities and they said ''life goes on''
but guess, of all their achievements, what they missed the most
when they reached their lonely apartment tired and drawn
yes apparently it was those wonderful college days
filled with lunches, movies and plays
of gossip feminism the marine drive and sleppovers
or crooning everything from 'the beatles' to 'crimson and clover'
hopefully years later they will all meet again
on a gloomy sunday complete with the wind and rain
they will definetly have one less thing to wonder about
if the six of them, those supposed friends
were the right blend
Another evening to fathom i found
So here i am, i put on my shoes
my mind slaughtered,i know it's either the devil or the deep sea
i pass the artist on the pavement, lost in his muse
watch the sprinklers on the lawns spraying liquid ecstasy
morbid picture of a child on the street performing her 'rope act' piroutte
i'll talk of the sunrays and i know i'll sound cliched
or the same rays that give the jogger her silkened silhoutte
as she adeptly gallops on the soft mud and grass blades
Another evening to fathom i found
trying hard to look for silence
as i sit hereon this bench by the grass mound
from all that has been on my mind, chaos and violence...
my mind slaughtered,i know it's either the devil or the deep sea
i pass the artist on the pavement, lost in his muse
watch the sprinklers on the lawns spraying liquid ecstasy
morbid picture of a child on the street performing her 'rope act' piroutte
i'll talk of the sunrays and i know i'll sound cliched
or the same rays that give the jogger her silkened silhoutte
as she adeptly gallops on the soft mud and grass blades
Another evening to fathom i found
trying hard to look for silence
as i sit hereon this bench by the grass mound
from all that has been on my mind, chaos and violence...
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
