[found this on a (s)crap of paper..from around a year back.so that means post T.Y.you can imagine no?hehe]Adrenaline diaries 22.30: 2nd april 2007
A strange day a strange night
To start your diaries
I lay there satisfied, staring at the horizon that was blocked by a four storeyed apartment block, my mind oblivious to the vortices that were coming to fetch me
I can foresee the storm, but choose to numb myself to it
I settle down with a college-mess-style-breakfast for dinner today
Toasted cheese garlic peppered bread with piping hot coffee…piping? No, scalding!
That is how I like mine.
Well, not very favorable for somehow who puts on weight by merely looking at food, but anyways exceptions can be made I guess on days like these...
like today, a classic example of a climax, in a satisfied sense
I probably would have jumped off the train or shot myself today
Not to kill myself…but to pump up some adrenaline into my defunct grey cells
The wind so tempting, beckons you
Adrenaline wanted desperately
I wake to the sound of music my eyelids a level tired, my body in lumps.
But the day ends with a grin, outcome not cared for please note.
A compound of inaudible happy memories sets in to conclude this non-'pms'y day.hehe
16:50 3rd april 2007
Talking, it helps but doesn’t give satisfaction, just the mandatory I-updated-my-world
My world …my friends, my family, some acquaintances on the brink of friendship, some friends on inertia of denial, some depressed some happy some content..where am i?? where am i??
A couple of days later…
11.30 am
Hmmnn adrenaline encountered again…but today it was anger…at the society, at my world, for living according to my fancies
It rushed and gushed in the form of whining and complaints, dejections resurfacing, not affecting any one but me
Fast forward by a month or so….11.40 am
I really hoped a month ago satisfaction would set in…but to no avail
Fate… very surreptitiously takes away what you deserve...all I asked was mere satisfaction
Or maybe in a positive light this was awakening to reality…to a not-a cakewalk-thou -life –is kind of reality
09:20 some more days later
End of an era
It’s strange how your life can change overnight…with the blink of an eye the party is gone…migrated to a better place…all you can see instead of the festivities and the lights is the silent deserts and the mournful setting sun that is inherent in a situation like this…
Your paths may never cross again, ever; with the people you shared a laugh with, a silent prayer or anxiety for 5 wholesome years…all is gone with the blink of an eye
These probably were the best days of my life. My past I do not care about…my future very strangely looks bleak now…some of them triumphant some did not, for some like me defeat was inevitable thing to happen.
It probably is me and me alone now…I can fantasize about mountaineering trips id love to take to the Himalayas, or go sailing across the Atlantic maybe backpacking across Europe[throw your head back and laugh], Europe the correct amount of wilderness and the wild…or I could land with a thud into reality and wake to nothing but incessant nonchalant gaping sessions and long lonely walks by the highway, watching the trucks and trailers speed away, not waiting to make a difference in my life… like a lot of other people one would wait for an eternity.
The storm has passed its aftermath yet to come… hoping that this is a passing phase that will pass quicker than it should …
a continuum between holidays,wastedness and the summer of 2007
10.40 pm
Sloth is a tricky word they say…it could possibly describe a walk around a lake lit by the setting sun and surrounded by woods; it could be lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling perspiring on a lazy summer afternoon or gorge on roasted chicken and wonder when will you start losing weight. Whew!!!!
14:10, still deeper into the wasted period
Everyday, from the time we wake to the time our head hits the pillow; it is filled with questions… some whose answers are known and yet you are too terrified to admit to it… some have been there for an eternity, some spell inscrutability of the future, some ambiguity of the past. There are hardly days were one has a clear happy head devoid of all hurt deception and rituals…
18:10, a retrospect :
As I sat and watched the sky from faraway on a cement parapet sipping gingered tea, I watched silly little kids trying hard to play!! In little dresses in pink and blue with stilletos to match, they were flaunting to each other their music cds and a new computer game installed on their computer or a new smutty step they learned at dance class today!!!
I sat there and watched them for 15 whole minutes without missing a single piece of their conversations too 17 year oldish to handle for 7 years old brains.
And those made me pity them and laugh at their parents who brought them into this premature world
I thought of my childhood memories…there was nothing in there but innocence, happiness carefree untamed wild escapades…with children ignorant about age, sex, caste, wealth…there were days when we would run wild in the fields with a wheeled fan, eat candy floss, roadside ice-cream, chase dragonflies, tie up roman the mad dog, climb guava trees and a million other insane things,
I want those days, those overalls-and-wild curly bronzed hair days [where insanity was not what it meant] back!!!!!
**************** end of wastedness..post graduation begins..or so i thought..***************
